Marriage, Infidelity…

My husband and I met .. honestly I don’t remember what year… Surprisingly we met on social media.  I went on to delete an account my cousin had made for me, as I never used it, and noticed I had a message in my inbox. The message was so funny I had to respond, and I ended up postponing deleting my account. I responded with something just as witty and we started writing to each other frequently. We called, we met, and a year or year and a half later we got married. 

Anywho 7 years later… struggle city in our marriage. Before I get into it, I want to tell you a little bit about me. I have always been a pray-er. Even before I understood what being saved was I knew that God was there and was always looking out for me. We had an understanding where I knew He would always take care of me and never abandon me. I knew that He wanted what was best for me. I knew, that He had a mission for me. That I was unique, that I didn’t have to worry about what other people did or how other people looked, but that how He created me was more than good enough for what He had for me in this world. 

By age 18 I had prayed through every relationship I ever had (3 total, 1 throughout high school and 2 in college that probably lasted a few months, if as long). I was a virgin until marriage and before getting married, just as I prayed about my boyfriends, I prayed that if my husband to be was not the one for me, I don’t care how it happens, or how I feel, don’t let us get married and give me the strength to get over it if it doesn’t happen.

I can say with confidence that I believe I was in my right mind to get married. I knew through stories that marriage was difficult but as God assured me that He has and will always be with me, I was a confident 20 year old bride. 

After we got married we relocated to where he lived and having never left my parents house before marriage, living with someone else was an adjustment to say the least. I was alone a lot. My husband was the sole provider for a while, and I would notice that after school or work (he was still finishing up his degree. I had gotten mine right before we got married) he would stay to chill and hang out with his friends while I waited for him. The days would be lonely so I would look forward to the end of his shift to come home, but it would take him so long to get there. It was really disappointing to know that being around his friends was a priority when I was in a new area, and this was the first year of our marriage.

For months I felt led in the day time to read the Bible about marriage. Who a wife is, what a husband is, what love is. Submission and  unconditional love, were reoccurring themes I felt God wanted me to stock up on.

A few months before the year ended I decided to relocate to where I was from. There I had a vehicle, friends, family, and just a better grasp of my surroundings that I knew once I got back I could get the ball rolling on life, where at the time it felt like a standstill. So said so done. As soon as we relocated to my hometown, I got us a place, got a job and we were living comfortably. But, my husband was now on the other end of the stick. 

Doing everything I could to make sure he was comfortable and didn’t feel the way I felt when in his area, I look back now and think that that was where I went wrong. I gave too much. Too willing to sacrifice and realized that the more I did, the more he wanted. 

I never stopped. I kept trying to make him comfortable, despite his selfishness. I told myself that my husband’s selfishness was hard but at least he hasn’t cheated. Until then, I can work with him. 

…… He cheated. I got pregnant years later and found out I had an STD. ?!?!?!? The only man I’ve ever slept with.. ? Obviously It can’t be me! Still touches a corn when I talk about it but yea he slept with someone. I was devasted, hated him, didn’t want to be pregnant to begin with but was now like wow.. how embarrassing. He disgusted me. 

He apologized said he was sorry, the funny thing is… and it may sound foolish and crazy.. but getting over it was easy, probably even too easy. 

Now because of who I am I was praying during this time and I would complain to God and express my .. hatred, bitterness, anger, and it was like I was talking to a counselor. He allowed me to vent… for a day or two and then said, forgive Him. I assumed He didn’t realize it had only been a day or two so I continued to vent.

 After my vents He would say, remember when I told you to start eating better. Mind you this would throw me off because I’m like God this is important, you hungry or something? Then I would continue to vent. He said when you over eat, it’s a sin. When you tell me you are going to eat better and you don’t, you’re lying, it’s a sin. So at this point my eyes have been rolled allll the way back and I’m like what’s your point ..

He said He views all sin the same. A murderer, a liar, a glutton are all sinners. You sin. Yes you are married and he should not have done that but don’t when you sin I forgive you? Isn’t that the one thing you love about me? That no matter how many times you sin I welcome you with open arms to start over? Doesn’t it make you try harder to not disappoint me? Forgive him. 

I crieddddddddddddddddd. Out of stubbornness, shame, but also in awe of how amazing God is. I forgave him in my mind that instant and the rest was God teaching me how to now manifest forgiveness. I won’t lie I felt like a heavy weight was lifted just from telling myself to forgive. My husband continued to apologize and began to be a butt kisser for a while after. I would throw jabs here and there as the devil provoked me and was quickly told by God that I need to stop otherwise it is not forgiveness. 

I can honestly say that I truly forgave him. Even when I brought up what happened it was really because the devil made me do it….I knew it was a front and I even felt silly but I kind of liked that it made him remember he was a douche bag.

God never removed His hold on me during this process to forgive. It was a healing time that I will never forget and the healing happened more so.. well not more so… the healing happened fully as I spoke/vented/complained to God and my husband just kind of, was there too. God says that His yoke is light. He had always told me that things won’t always be perfect, but what may be hard to go through for some, won’t seem that way for me if I continue to look to and trust in Him. 

Now, my friend ‘separated’, the other blogger, her story is a bit different. Her story is eye opening to me as God can place us in similar situations and advise us differently. Sometimes I wonder if divorce is my future,  to be honest I don’t know what God has in store. But I would rather follow what He has directed me to do in my situation than allow myself to go on someone else’s journey in life, thwarting my own. With that said my marriage is far from perfect or even good for that matter,  but I have noticed that when I’m obedient enough to allow God to lead and direct me, I may feel foolish…but the burden no matter how heavy begins to feel like a feather.

Bruised but not killed.  

-Married

“““Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal, blessed quiet) FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.””

‭‭MATTHEW‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭AMP‬‬

http://bible.com/1588/mat.11.28-30.amp 

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Self-Inspired or God-Desired?…How did I get here…’Happy, Married, Unhappy, Separated’? (Part 1)

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Of course it is, it was designed by God. It’s one of the greatest institutions to be apart of when entered in for the right reasons. ‘LOVE’ nothing else. 

Being proposed to, was the most exciting, happy, joyful, fulfilling moments of my life. Yes, ‘THE PROPOSAL’. I mean which girl hopes to be dating a guy for a period of time and he doesn’t ask the question? If you’re keeping up with the blogs, my husband proposed to me in 2009, two years into courting. I got married in 2012; yes, awhile after, for more reasons than one, well; just two;

  1. I was still in University, I aspired to finish my degree before getting married.
  2. Infidelity issues that came a year after the engagement.

This was the first rough patch in our relationship, and the most fearful thing happened; ‘cheating’ happened. This gave our relationship a hard blow, I mean, this was all transparent when we were reunited, that something was very much off. It felt different; could it be because we were apart for so long? or could it be the guilt of the ‘cheater’. Whatever it was, everything was revealed on a ‘cell phone’. Let me say right here, it’s inappropriate, to search your partners phone. Yea…However, that day was so innocent, just answering a call, and after the call ended, the ‘messenger’ screen was already opened. What would you do? Male or Female, opportunity time; didn’t have to sneak or go out of your way, it just ‘Popped up’… EVIDENCE was clear. 

This took a toll on the relationship. To the point it was on ‘break-up status’. Here I am engaged to be married, and there trust issues. WOW! Everything changed. Yes, in my estimation it never got back to what was. Was there forgiveness? Yes…at least I think so, there must have been forgiveness as there is a marriage. What is forgiveness? According to a definition that I found on Google, it states “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong), to stop blaming (someone)”. 

Okay, so I’m going to be as transparent as possible. I know I forgave him in my heart, I do, but it damaged a part of me that had me feeling so different around him. We were good, after awhile, we were happy, a lot more growth took place between then and our wedding day. How I felt, the degree to what had happened, I believe I was in my right to leave. What made me stay?… Here I am, A Pastors’ daughter, cohabiting with a man I’m not married to, EVERYONE knows him, family, friends, EVERYONE!! The proposal was, let’s just say PUBLIC, why leave? “Just work at it, at least we have sometime to fix and work on some things”. To myself, I’m still thinking, “I’ll be graduating a year later, a lot can happen within a year”.

Better days came, but let me say, I honestly believe that there could have been greater days. The ‘situation’ wasn’t handled well. It was more of, “ok that was an overseas situation, it doesn’t affect ‘home’ we don’t need no counselling sessions…yeah…right!”. We can do this on our own; that’s what he lead me to think, “no one can tell me about my relationship or about you, I know you best” what he would usually say, whenever counselling was brought up… ‘RED FLAG’. It simply then means, we should not have any external input (wisdom, experienced individuals, spiritual leaders) in our relationship, surprisingly we had few sessions before marriage; maybe cause it’s customary. It was agreed to….I don’t know, I’m just saying.  

There are certain things you should look out for with your partner. Simple things, big things, don’t ignore them. I’ve always seen this comment around social media ‘when a person shows you who they are, believe them’ I can honestly say, that’s a powerful statement right there. Sometimes we have a mental picture, what our relationships; marriages, should be, that we miss the reality of what’s really happening. I was blamed, for staying, for the few persons who knew, on top of ‘the behaviors I blinded myself to’ mentioned in previous blogs. This is a perfect, and even greater reason to leave; that’s what ‘they’ were saying. Remember what they perceived or knew was different from what I saw in him. I love him, He makes me happy… Blah Blah Blah! The excuses… 

All I’m saying we sometimes find ourselves in some situations, that could have been prevented, if we were under the direction of God’s guidance. Although, I also do believe that, God’s intentional, he knows all things; he knows what’s going to happen with our lives before they even manifest. I believe also, that EVERYTHING we go through, good or bad, it was/is necessary. 

~ learning takes place best through our good or bad experiences. ~ WifesTales

Separated’

 James 1:5 -“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault”(NIV)


The Invisible U in Marriage

I know it’s hard to see but it’s definitely there, you’re just not looking hard enough. The U is also pronounced silently. So often it’s overlooked and left out, but such a noticeable difference it makes when U is not there.

The U is what brought you together. Your individuality, the way you take care of yourself and the things you aspired to accomplish. It’s the mission you were on to achieve the greatest version of yourself that suddenly becomes hidden as marriage pushes ‘U’ out. Somehow all the other letters are put before you and there’s not enough room for you.  U, basically becomes invisbile, but it definitely still exists.

I am protesting that the U comes back to the forefront. It’s not fair that all the other letters can be so easily seen, and the U left behind. The U adds character, value, and a uniqueness that can only be created by U.

How important it is that we don’t forget the U. The U that makes you self confident, adventurous, and determined to accomplish anything you set your mind to. This U that when lost, changes everything.

You move differently, think differently, and at the same time feel trapped in a body that was created to do great things but nothing great seems to be manifesting.

The moment you forget that marriage has a U is the moment your identity is questioned. It’s the moment things get out of order and seem to spiral out of control.

Yes, marriage joins us together. The Bible tells us that we shall become one flesh.  However, one flesh, two people? The math is off.

Why? Maybe instead of merging to become one, we are to combine to make a greater one. What’s the difference? When there’s a merge one party is usually overruled. See when you merge, someone is surpressed. Someone is getting the shorter end of the stick. But when you combine, you’re both getting to add your flare to the marriage. One flesh becomes so much more powerful because it’s a combination of the greatness of two.

Sounds like perfection. Fairy tale even. But, is it that hard to achieve? …You were doing it before you got married…

I am in the process of making U visible again. My vision has been blurred to the point where I know the U is there but I can’t see it. The frustration of not being the person I know I was meant to be while with my husband is a strain on our marriage. We argue, we get disappointed, our expectations are not met and it’s unhealthy. Should things be better if there’s two? I mean when we added up our strengths and weaknesses before marriage we should be: rich, healthy, fit, successful… so it just made sense to be on the other side of the relationship equation and get married.

Yet, here we are. Struggling to allow the concept of one flesh to make us better. Not fully utilizing our U and blaming the other one for it.

Never lose sight of U. Pursue U. Without apologies, but with humility and perseverance, and in the direction of who and what you feel you were created to be.

God, help me to be the ‘U’, You created me to be, in the marriage You positioned me in.

and… and if there’s time left..help me to understand how 1+1 still equals 1 .. You know I’m slow.

-Married

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”  Genesis 2:24

 

What Marriage Should Look Like..

I’m the other wife. The problems in my marriage are divorce worthy according to the world, but for some reason, God has not given me the CLEAR to keep it moving. Rather He continues to show me how the worst of the worst compares to what I do to Him. Every complaint, every act of selfishness, every action against me that I feel I do not deserve and I’m so much better than, God shows me that I am just as guilty of the same behavior, if not worse.

I have never cheated, I try to be fair, I’m willing, and I mean, I feel like I can be a pretty darn good wife. Now I’m sure you realized that I said I am the other wife. So the fact that I can be a good wife, and I am in the position of a wife, you would think that the sentence should have been more like, I am a good wife. …Yeah..

I would be a good wife, IF….I could write a book on all the things my husband would need to do to receive the best from me. Often times I find myself, feeling taken advantage of, not considered, ignored, unloved, and unattended to.  So, if that’s the case, why give my all to get the least? I am somebody’s child. Child of God as a matter of fact. I know I am heir to the throne and that I am blessed. I know who I am in Christ and in this world, a head and not the tail, above and not beneath. So why does this man continue to treat me like he got a groupon deal and doesn’t have to put out much to enjoy my greatness?

As I vent to God on a daily basis about my frustrations, he always seems to remind me of Our relationship. My marriage with Him, and how lop sided we are. He shows me how selfish I am towards Him, when I choose to spend time with other people and things, knowing that I have not spent any time with Him. He shows me how I speak to Him all the time but when He wants to talk to me I am barely listening. He shows me how He asks me to do things and I promise to do them, yet never seem to get around to it.

You see, I endure a lot in my marriage. So much so that it makes me seem weak. Am I pushover? I don’t think so. Do I forgive easily? Yes, I try to. Because I know that’s what God wants me to do, and to be honest, I’ve been able to look back on situations where I did not forgive as easily and remember how it only prolonged me feeling angry, annoyed, and just so far from rest and peace that when I got it back, I wanted to do nothing more than strive to keep it. God is not weak. Yet he endures so much that He does not deserve just to win me over. How could I willingly and knowingly hurt him? How could I know how great He is, and how much He is capable of and still treat him like he doesn’t deserve first place in my life? He does so much for me. So much that even though I do not see it all, through His character I know that He makes all things work together for my good.

It’s difficult to abandon someone for reasons that God hasn’t abandoned me for. I have always had hope and continue to have it because I know that God will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that He is always willing to work with me. I just need to turn to him. Despite how long it takes me to do it, He welcomes me with open arms. Such unconditional love towards someone so undeserving, yet His embrace is as if I have done no wrong.. hmmm…

Makes me wonder how different my marriage would be if I displayed the same unconditional love, or better yet… my husband did towards me :D.

I have realized how much of Genius God is. How his ways surpass my understanding. How He created things to function the way He intended them too, otherwise, there will be strife, contention, and every other negative adjective that leads to everything but peace. Our relationship with God, is how our marriage on earth should be. With God, we are the selfish, we are the inattentive, we are the ones taking advantage of the relationship. Yet what does He do. He allows us to do our thing. He allows us to have our “fun”, and leave Him out. He doesn’t yell. He isn’t spiteful. He won’t leave your clothes and hang up his. He won’t cook or bring food for himself and even more hurtful. He won’t ignore you. Rather he waits for you, lovingly, unconditionally, and with open arms for when you return.

This is what God has been having me think about every time my husband shows that he’s human. Granted, God speaks to us all differently, and despite our similar situations your word may be different from her word. That’s why developing a relationship with Him so you can hear for yourself what He wants you to do will make or break the success of any relationship. Seek Him, and He will guide you, despite what it looks like to the world, despite the weakness you feel, stay strong in Him.

 

-Married

 

“For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord Almighty is His Name…” Isaiah 54:5

 

Why Stay? The children…maybe

Ok Ok so…the name of our blog is ‘WifesTales’, however, it was taken when trying to create our blog,lol…hence..the dilemma.

Anyhoo!!! Today has been somewhat relaxing and easy going. Spent quality time with my son. Yes, my son he’s two years old. One of the most adorable, handsome, talented, Smart little persons. He drives me to be better…I’m now separated because I didn’t only have me to think about but him.

Sometimes we stay in toxic relationships, because of our children. Why? To have them grow in a stable environment with Mommy and Daddy. Even when the environment is hostile and cold. While I would prefer having my son raised seeing Mommy and Daddy, I much rather him growing mentally and emotionally  stable. To know what is expected of him as a man and how a woman is to be treated. Those can’t be taught in a home, where the father is verbally, emotionally, and to an extent physically abusive. Your children are your priorities. Don’t be foolish!

‘Separated’

Proverbs 22:6 “Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it” (NIV)

How ‘well’ can you know someone?…Before getting married

How long does it take to get to know someone? In my opinion, ‘knowing’ someone is pretty much relative. I mean for me, getting to know someone takes a lot of communication or contact time. The more one communicates with another, by nature different topics to talk about will come up, especially when there are similar interests. And given this current era with all the means of contact via social media; pssssshhhh what’s the excuse to not get to know someone.  On the other hand, Some might still take years to feel confident in them acknowledging that ‘I know him or her’. I mean, realistically, how long can a pretender last?, even when they’re pretending to be what you desire or hope they are; we’re humans, our flaws or faults tends to become evident at some point in time. Hmmm….or is it that we see them, but we try to make excuses that it’s not a big deal, or they’ll change or I can live with that. 

Look at it, you met someone who has good qualities, don’t we all? There were little things that annoyed you, bothered you, or whatever negative way it impacted you, but you’re saying I’ll let him or her know about it; you know express myself and we’ll work at it. The time comes you express yourself and your faults come up as well and you both promised to make a genuine effort in being better in those areas. As time progresses, changes are made, but how long do they last for? Weeks, months, to be honest sometimes even days. ‘The struggle is real’. I believe those qualities are so innate that, its so much apart of you, that you may just need deliverance. Okay okay! I’m saying all of this to say, my personal experience has showed and taught me that as much we desire for people to change and even when they do, and you realize it’s not consistent ‘red flag’. I’m currently separated from my husband, a man I met in 2007, moved in with a year later, got engaged 2009, ‘a year after’ and got married in 2012. WOW!!!!  What year are we in again? 2017!!! Almost 10 years of ‘knowing this man’. 

The years leading up to marriage were great. In my estimation, they were. Mind you, there were signs of trouble, or should I say ‘red flag’ but hey, oftentimes I strongly believe in the saying ‘love is blind’. While I knew deep down there were the signs, and family members and friends around me saw them as well. I hid them; “he’ll change, he has a good heart, he was brought up differently than I was, he’s broken, he wasn’t taught certain things, he loves me, he just doesn’t know how to be expressive, his controlling and manipulative ways were seen as protecting and guarding”. You’re probably saying; ‘EXCUSES’…Yes!, that’s exactly what those are. As females, overall whether we are wives or not, we tend to make excuses for men who are just downright in the wrong. They show us who they are and we didn’t believe them. “He will change, its nothing major, he apologizes, he makes it up with nice dinners, and gifts. I mean it’s not like he’s physically abusing me, when he says mean things to me, he’s just angry”. Those were my excuses, my thoughts, my mental defense. 

During all of this, please note, I was a believer, I mean I was brought up in church all my life, from choir, to Sunday school teacher, youth group leader; let’s just say I was an active member in church. As I got older, going to college, not around parents so much, church wasn’t so much priority anymore. I got consumed by the things of the world. Parties, sexual immorality, rebelliousness,  and the whole works. While growing up in church, I always heard persons testimonies; “there is nothing in the world, they can’t understand why is it people don’t serve God”…Well, having experienced it, there are things in the world, hence it was written in Mark 8:36 (NIV) “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”. You see, everything in the temporal can be referred to biblically. The enemy has what I call ‘Deadly Distractors’. He puts things there that are only temporary, it can’t and will not last. To get to his level and his Kingdom, he entices the mind, with everything that goes against the gospel of Jesus Christ. Remember he tried it with Jesus, he said, he will give him dominion over everything once he served him (Matt 4: 8). To me that’s a bribe, and here in the natural, a bribe is a never ending deal, it always finds a way to ‘bite you where it hurts’ if you know what I mean. You will always be indebted to someone. That’s not the life we were created for. However, with all of that, I wasn’t confident with my identity in God.I just didn’t ‘know’ God on a personal level as much. I mean I know I love him, I know he loves me but that personal connection, I didn’t have it. You see, believing and knowing God is two different things. The reality is, believing God is just acknowledging that there is a supreme being that governs and controls our very existence. Knowing him, is knowing who he is, personally; it’s knowing why you were created, who you are in him, and how he created you to live here on earth. When you know him, you have what is called a ‘relationship’, close contact and connection, you speak with him, he answers, you listen. It’s a perfect communication cycle. This relationship, the more time you spend together, the more he reveals more and more each day. The instability in thoughts I mentioned earlier would not have been so intense or would not have been at all. The more time spent in the presence of God; reading your bible, praying and fasting, just to be hungry for him, pretty much makes what seems hard to the one who doesn’t know him so much easier to the one who actually does. 

 I didn’t understand then, that, according to Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) “Many are the plans of a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. I didn’t understand then, that while I’m with this young man, courting, planning a marriage, I wasn’t doing what was required of me spiritually. You see we get so caught up planning and taking care of all the other ‘ally’s’ and we forget the most important one of all…THE SPIRITUALLY part. My spiritual life was weak, I was operating in my own understanding. The scriptures tells us in Matthew 6:33 (NIV) “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”. These things…what are these things?; the things we daily worry about, bills, relationships, jobs, finances, you name them. We are so busy worrying and trying to get all these things and he told us not to worry about these things; but to seek him above all else, before anything else and these will come. I believe in seeking him, these things come even easier than we think or expected…

Having said that, I bet we can now see why I’m here writing, and sharing my experiences. HA HA HA!… 

‘Separated’

 “Proverbs 9: 10 – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding (NIV)”

    What’s WifesTales?

    Two wives, two different perspectives, two different struggles, some similarities and one main Commonality; Christ Representers.

    This blog was started to share the experiences, wisdom gained, strengths and weaknesses of a what a marriage entails. Mainly, from a wife’s point of view.

    From courting, to marriage, to separation. Things happening in between. Relationship with the Lord and Saviour. How each struggle is seen as a ‘compulsory’ that it had to be faced; to grow personally, emotionally, but most importantly,spiritually. 

    Real life experiences; real life struggles, it has to get worst before it gets better! 

    At the end of each blog; an indication with ‘separated’ or ‘married’ will be there, to identify with the different writers.

    Enjoy!