Vent over…

So…. if you’ve read my last post you can see my struggle. I’ve been praying, complaining and asking God for guidance. I have been so ‘busy’ trying to survive the day I have not been living. And what makes matters worse is that I’ve been trying to squeeze God in. 

I know I need to take control. When I pray I hear God clearly telling me I need to spend more time with Him and to not focus on my marriage. That He will take care of it. Giving me no hints as to if I should go, if he’s going to go, if we are going to separate, nothing, just.. leave my marriage to Him.  Best place for it to be to be honest, and I know God will make things work together for my good, but like… what do I do in the mean time..? As I wait for me to be vindicated, as I wait for justice, as I wait for my life to feel like I’m living… God what do you want me to do as I wait? Hello?… 

Clearly the line got disconnected. I was hearing Him clearly then He just … lol stopped answering? I guess He picked up the other line? Probably my friend ‘separated’ calling and interrupting my time with God. (Smh)

Maybe He’s told me what to do far too many times that He’s annoyed why I’m still in the same position. One thing I have heard clearly from Him is that everybody has struggles. Some things are easier for some than others. Some people have to work twice as hard to achieve what may come easily for others. He told me to do what I need to do to get what I want. Figure it out. Figure out how to find time in no time. Time is there regardless, we have to choose what we do with it. He told me I may be more tired, I may have to work harder but I am His child and He is with me. 

If I want to succumb to fatigue then that’s my problem. But if I want a solution and want a way out of this trapped feeling I need to figure out how to incorporate my dreams and goals into what already seems like an impossible schedule.

I guess He already answered my prayers. It’s so hard though.. to watch someone else live it up while you pick up the slack. Then to be talked down to as if your not the foundation they stand on to obtain what they want. God will handle my light weight. 

In the meantime I have to get a handle on being the best version of me no matter what it takes. I will be great.

#justwaittilimgreat

-Married.. or whatever you call it

Feeling trapped, stuck, stagnant and any other non progressive adjectives…. (vent)

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Not because I haven’t wanted to but because time has been slipping through my finger tips. I feel like I’ve been chasing time and can never catch it. Always showing up too late and missing it. I’ve been existing. Having no control over time. It’s just  happening and I have to keep up. From my eyes open in the morning it’s a race to the finish line (the end of the day). I can’t live like this… 

Why have I no control? We all have our responsibilities. Mine entails two little toddlers a year apart and a job 5 days a week working 10 hour shifts daily. Not to mention a half hour commute no traffic. So that’s 11 hours minimum devoted to someone else’s goal after I wake up. I have about 40 minutes after work if as much, to unwind before picking up the kids. This time is usually spent trying to catch my breath and preparing dinner for my what seem to be starving children after day care. After picking them up it’s go mode. Feed them, give them undivided attention, bathe them and then it’s time for bed. This is usually the time I say as soon as they fall asleep I can do something for Me or really what I should be doing is cleaning the house. Problem is, I’m so tired by this time I end up falling asleep with them and waking up to an alarm clock to get ready for work…..

Single parent life! But … not really. I’m married.. (scratches head). Husband still lives with me, I mean he drops the kids off at day care in the morning … but it seems and feels like that’s the extent of his assistance. He works for himself… and when I ask for some help and tell him I’m tired he says, when you work for yourself you can choose your own hours. Disclaimer: I AM a Christian. But what the …..?!? See my biggest issue has not only been my struggle with time, but my struggle being single while married. What’s your purpose if you cannot help me? And it feels like I am doing it on my own?

Weekends are my days off, but when I wake up early the kids wake up and while my husband remains in his slumber I take care of them. No problem. They are my kids, well ours, and I have a duty to them. I’ll do what I need to do. But I wake up early to try and get a head start on the day, workout, clean but then I’m interrupted and have to go through an argument and plead a case to get my husband to wake up and help… if he pays me any mind. He then wakes up and all of a sudden has things to do outside the house and gets ready and leaves. Funny how before I asked for help it seemed he would have been in bed much longer. Anywho, he returns when he feels like, usually when he knows the kids are asleep (for bed time.. yes, not nap time, bed time). So from morning till night my time is their time and if my kids take a nap in the day I use that time to unwind or prepare lunch/dinner. I might be able to clean the kitchen …but that’s as far as my energy will take me.

I have dreams. Goals. Plans. They all seem feasible but so out of reach sometimes. My husband talks down to me because he is working towards his goals… yet as a result of it I have to remain stable because his goals don’t provide the way they should. Numbers don’t lie, people do though. 

I know that I have to take control. Just sometimes it feels like I am trapped. Like I am the clutch for someone else to get where they desire to go and they are never that clutch for me. My husband parties, goes out with friends and sabotages my plans when I tell him I’m going out with mine. Bills are in my name, house and mostly everything else. He says he will leave but… hasn’t gone yet. When I say I’m going to leave he says I’m not living in your house. Yet he says I don’t add any value to his life. Lol. BS.

Wait till I’m great.

-Married

Changes…during separation

So this season, has me like, ‘finding myself all over again’. It’s like I’m a new person, I have a new found identity, you know what I mean? After being with someone for almost 10 years; married for 5 of those ten years, and couple months before you celebrate your fifth anniversary…you’re separated, lol. 

There has been a lot happening during these months, from court case, to seeking opportunities to study overseas, to growing even more in God, to being free and open and did I say FREE! I mean, to be honest, it’s not what I wanted, ‘a failed marriage’, but it has resulted in happiness, peace of mind, and a realization of love (in the right way). My future WILL hold a partner who is supportive and who knows who he is. Most importantly, whose he is. 

Growing up in church, I’ve always heard the biblical references to being unequally yoked. Like many, we only think of this as courting an unsaved while being saved and vice versa. However, my experiences, as I have made mention of in previous blogs, have taught me, it’s more than that; it’s about two people having the same mind set, the same goals, the same desires to achieve individually as collectively, and the same godly principles (this is so important). It’s understanding that we will change as we grow together. I mean, who is going to be the same person after ten years? Growth is inevitable and required as we evolve. When I met my husband I was a backslider (not living for Christ as I should), after getting married, I reclaimed my faith in him. Thinking…well, KNOWING, this is the best thing that could have happened to me and us for that matter, my husband later told me if he knew I was going to become a christian, he would not have gotten married to me…Wait…..WHATTTT???? 

I have been vindicated; especially mentally, with all that’s been happening in this season, from me leaving my husband, to me moving back in with my mother, to me still having my job and church in another parish (city); trust me it gets tiring, but it’s way better than living with a man who is known to be a ‘husband’, but it feels as though he’s a roommate who you just can’t stand…you know?  the ones, you’re glad when they’re not home, and when they are…. it’s AWKWARD!!!😞

I’m legally still tied to this man, I’m just separated, will I be getting a divorce?…YES…When will I be starting the paper work?…real soon…Am I happier?… OH YESSS! Have I given up on love?…NO WAY…

‘Separated’


Having a hard time coping; after a breakup, separation or divorce?

Identity; it’s who you are, it’s KNOWING who you are, confident of your personality, your look, your style, your attitude,everything that makes you…’YOU’.

Often Times, we get so complacent in our relationships, whether marriage or platonic ones, that we depend on the other person to keep things going; to plan outings or dates, to pick the movie to see, to choose the vacation spot, and we are just there, being dependents. 

Never lose who you are even after especially a marriage, always keep things that are ideal about you. You love to shop and do some self-care every week, try and find time for that. Please note; that self-care is not just about spas and going to the hair salon, but spending quality time with your self, read books, go to the park, sleep, yes get some rest, pray, whatever it is that you enjoy. Don’t get lost in the shadow of your partner. 

As for me, I am coping quite well to be honest. How? I am now doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, such as; attend more church events, spend more time with my friends, as this occupies your mind and time, speak about what’s happening since the separation, this helps, don’t hide from it, or lock yourself away from the reality, face it! I’m now doing things that I couldn’t do while with him; I changed my diet, I’m more comfortable in wearing certain attire, I started wearing make-up even more than I usually do, I colored my hair, YES! Do things outside of the norm, things that when he sees you, he’ll not recognize it’s you. Things that you’ve never done while with him, especially even if you’ve been together for a while.  

I get to have more ‘ME’ time, without having to feel guilty about it. I am soooo super confident… In making decisions, speaking openly about what’s been happening in my marriage, and my relationship with the Lord…Whewwwww….I feel like ‘speaking in tongues’ . My relationship with the Lord has gotten so intense and intimate like I can’t get enough of him. He’s been my peace and comfort through it all, my child is healthy, is doing well in school, God’s just unfathomable I tell you. WHO COULD IT BE BUT YOU LORD? 

Maybe you’re afraid to leave because you’re wondering what will happen if and when you leave. Pray about it, if you’re at peace…Then do it! Be BOLD, BE OPEN, BE FREE, BE YOU! 

‘Separated’

 

Joshua 1:9 NIV 

 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Me, Myself and My Child

After being with an individual for such a long time; 10 years is a whole lot of years devoted to one human being. It’s somewhat hard trying to adjust to being you again. Do you know what I mean?

It’s like you know who you are, but then it was revolved around one person, that even sometimes being by yourself you really don’t know what you enjoy anymore. I’ve been separated for the past three months, and I mean it’s been awesome! Yeah, I said that…😊 It’s like I’m so free, my mind is at peace, I’m genuinely Happy. Not the type of happy I was, when I had to behave as though everything was alright. The happy where, I now sleep better, eat better, worship God better; I mean; I’m paying more attention to ‘ME’ instead of busy trying to make a marriage work, striving to please a husband that can never be pleased, as I am the only problem. Note: It doesn’t matter what you do, say, or change to please a man, or how hard you try to make your marriage work at all cost. You CANNOT  fix or change someone who sees no problem with themselves, and shuts down every and anything that comes their way to assist them….. (wow…Lil venting there).  I’m happy because of the peace I have found in my savior. Happiness to the point I go to church, and don’t have to worry about the type of atmosphere I will return to. 

I am free and Happy because my child has not been ill for the duration I’ve been separated. Happy because my spiritual life is growing. I’m getting a better understanding of who I am in God and who he created and designed me to be. That my GOD-GIVEN purpose will come to pass, once I remain at his feet and have His perfect will be done in my life. 

You may not understand, the sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, that when I wake up in the mornings my eyes are swollen. The fear of not wanting to go home because the environment is so cold and tense. When being Home alone is better than when he’s there.

My body was at a place where my mind was far from. My child was my source of motivation and drive. The Lord was my peace, reading my bible, constantly in prayer, even when made a mockery of, God was my peace and hence, my reason for happiness. I had….still have to trust God, because even when it seemed as though ‘all hell was breaking loose in my home’ My Church, THE WORD, and my faith in God kept me.

As it is now, Me (finding back who I am), Myself (walking and living in that new identity), My son (my gift, my earthly assignment, my heart outside my body)

Separated 

“Isaiah 26:3- You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you”


Self-Inspired or God-Desired?…How did I get here…’Happy, Married, Unhappy, Separated’? (Part 2)

I know it’s been awhile coming before part 2 was written.

Our relationship and trust issues were mending. We were getting better I must say. The only thing now, I finished my studies in 2011, and like many other university students, it was time to job hunt. Please note, we had set a date for April 2012 for the wedding. 

Now looking back, I am second guessing myself in terms of; is that the time my relationship should have ended? (The time of infidelity) Who knows? But I do believe, that season was definitely ‘self-inspired’. 

Anyways, in the process of job hunting, I don’t know if it was cold feet, anxiety, or whatever, but the reality was, there is a date set and we were working towards it. Here I am, finished my degree, planning a wedding, and I’m unemployed. So I decided, to be in the safe zone, let me make a ‘deal’ with God, can you imagine? Me making a ‘deal’ with God. Pssshhh. Who do I think I am? Okay, so the deal was… ‘God if I get a job, then I know it’s your will for me to go through with the wedding’. Personally I wanted a job to contribute to my own wedding, a sense of independence, if it was to at least purchase his wedding band. 

In the back of my mind, if I don’t get a job, then I guess there will be no wedding, at least, not the date planned. 

Well because the favor I know that’s on my life, I was successful in landing a job at the most opportuned time. I was ecstatic, like YES! God I see you!… So I started my job, the downside was, I wasn’t getting my accurate salary, as my graduation would have been later down in the year. So, because I completed my course, but have not received my qualifications, I was being paid a basic salary.

You know who went back to God with the ‘deal’ notion. 

Of course I had to go back, how will I buy the ring for him? This was me for the second time,’God if I could get my correct salary by the time designated for my wedding, then I know it would have been your will’. Once again, POW! He favored me! I started getting my accurate salary and got all my ‘back money’ in the early months of 2012. Isn’t God good? 

To get to the point; I did buy his ring and did many other things I didn’t even plan for. We got married in 2012. A beautiful wedding it was indeed. The day was great and all a Bride could ask for, apart from the little glitches all wedding preparations comes with.

How did I get here (separated) five years later? 

As I mentioned in part 1, God is intentional. He has our blueprint. He is either going to fix it or break it. Regardless, He’s still God. I learned a lot during that time, and find that I’m still learning in the season I’m in.

Sometimes we conveniently remember God when we need to make great decisions, however with the little decisions prior, was He consulted then? Now looking back, I realised I wasn’t so much depending on God to get married, but on material things to determine IF I should. The job and the income. Nonetheless, I conveniently put God in the equation because of who I know him to be; the problem solver, the supreme being. But….did I trust him, even though I asked?….If you’ve read previous blogs, you would have noticed, my faith in God cannot be compared to the faith I have now. 

“My earthly marriage is a warfare..but I know my heavenly marriage is growing and that’s what i seek after….a better relationship and deeper revelation of you. MAKE A WAY!” ~ WifesTales

‘Separated’

 “Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

It’s Saturday… Thankful and Reflective…

It’s a beautiful day, just felt like sharing a ‘Thankful Post’ of How great my God is, inspite of who I am to him, he’s the constant in my life, he never changes who he is to me. You see, I’ve been learning to depend and trust him even more in these past few months. This season is one in which, I know what it is to be in constant dialogue with my creator. Here I am, a soon to be 28 year old, looking at divorce. Wow!!! To the society, this is the age, persons are getting married, and I’m here like….getting married at 22 years of age. I can say MY MARRIAGE GREW ME! I’m still growing, because of the season I am in. 

God has been faithful, even when I became faithless, HE IS THE CONSTANT IN MY LIFE! 

Encouragement: Things may not look as how you want them to just yet, but remember there is a sovereign one who sits high and looks low, and knows the desires of our hearts. My Pastor would always make reference to the scripture that speaks to the heart; in Proverbs 4:23, that we should guard our hearts, because everything we do flows from it. Ensure our thoughts and our motives are always in accordance with God’s will. Even when we don’t feel like it or see it, there is always something to be thankful for. 

Have a blessed and productive weekend. 

‘Separated’

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)