Feeling trapped, stuck, stagnant and any other non progressive adjectives…. (vent)

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Not because I haven’t wanted to but because time has been slipping through my finger tips. I feel like I’ve been chasing time and can never catch it. Always showing up too late and missing it. I’ve been existing. Having no control over time. It’s just  happening and I have to keep up. From my eyes open in the morning it’s a race to the finish line (the end of the day). I can’t live like this… 

Why have I no control? We all have our responsibilities. Mine entails two little toddlers a year apart and a job 5 days a week working 10 hour shifts daily. Not to mention a half hour commute no traffic. So that’s 11 hours minimum devoted to someone else’s goal after I wake up. I have about 40 minutes after work if as much, to unwind before picking up the kids. This time is usually spent trying to catch my breath and preparing dinner for my what seem to be starving children after day care. After picking them up it’s go mode. Feed them, give them undivided attention, bathe them and then it’s time for bed. This is usually the time I say as soon as they fall asleep I can do something for Me or really what I should be doing is cleaning the house. Problem is, I’m so tired by this time I end up falling asleep with them and waking up to an alarm clock to get ready for work…..

Single parent life! But … not really. I’m married.. (scratches head). Husband still lives with me, I mean he drops the kids off at day care in the morning … but it seems and feels like that’s the extent of his assistance. He works for himself… and when I ask for some help and tell him I’m tired he says, when you work for yourself you can choose your own hours. Disclaimer: I AM a Christian. But what the …..?!? See my biggest issue has not only been my struggle with time, but my struggle being single while married. What’s your purpose if you cannot help me? And it feels like I am doing it on my own?

Weekends are my days off, but when I wake up early the kids wake up and while my husband remains in his slumber I take care of them. No problem. They are my kids, well ours, and I have a duty to them. I’ll do what I need to do. But I wake up early to try and get a head start on the day, workout, clean but then I’m interrupted and have to go through an argument and plead a case to get my husband to wake up and help… if he pays me any mind. He then wakes up and all of a sudden has things to do outside the house and gets ready and leaves. Funny how before I asked for help it seemed he would have been in bed much longer. Anywho, he returns when he feels like, usually when he knows the kids are asleep (for bed time.. yes, not nap time, bed time). So from morning till night my time is their time and if my kids take a nap in the day I use that time to unwind or prepare lunch/dinner. I might be able to clean the kitchen …but that’s as far as my energy will take me.

I have dreams. Goals. Plans. They all seem feasible but so out of reach sometimes. My husband talks down to me because he is working towards his goals… yet as a result of it I have to remain stable because his goals don’t provide the way they should. Numbers don’t lie, people do though. 

I know that I have to take control. Just sometimes it feels like I am trapped. Like I am the clutch for someone else to get where they desire to go and they are never that clutch for me. My husband parties, goes out with friends and sabotages my plans when I tell him I’m going out with mine. Bills are in my name, house and mostly everything else. He says he will leave but… hasn’t gone yet. When I say I’m going to leave he says I’m not living in your house. Yet he says I don’t add any value to his life. Lol. BS.

Wait till I’m great.

-Married