Vent over…

So…. if you’ve read my last post you can see my struggle. I’ve been praying, complaining and asking God for guidance. I have been so ‘busy’ trying to survive the day I have not been living. And what makes matters worse is that I’ve been trying to squeeze God in. 

I know I need to take control. When I pray I hear God clearly telling me I need to spend more time with Him and to not focus on my marriage. That He will take care of it. Giving me no hints as to if I should go, if he’s going to go, if we are going to separate, nothing, just.. leave my marriage to Him.  Best place for it to be to be honest, and I know God will make things work together for my good, but like… what do I do in the mean time..? As I wait for me to be vindicated, as I wait for justice, as I wait for my life to feel like I’m living… God what do you want me to do as I wait? Hello?… 

Clearly the line got disconnected. I was hearing Him clearly then He just … lol stopped answering? I guess He picked up the other line? Probably my friend ‘separated’ calling and interrupting my time with God. (Smh)

Maybe He’s told me what to do far too many times that He’s annoyed why I’m still in the same position. One thing I have heard clearly from Him is that everybody has struggles. Some things are easier for some than others. Some people have to work twice as hard to achieve what may come easily for others. He told me to do what I need to do to get what I want. Figure it out. Figure out how to find time in no time. Time is there regardless, we have to choose what we do with it. He told me I may be more tired, I may have to work harder but I am His child and He is with me. 

If I want to succumb to fatigue then that’s my problem. But if I want a solution and want a way out of this trapped feeling I need to figure out how to incorporate my dreams and goals into what already seems like an impossible schedule.

I guess He already answered my prayers. It’s so hard though.. to watch someone else live it up while you pick up the slack. Then to be talked down to as if your not the foundation they stand on to obtain what they want. God will handle my light weight. 

In the meantime I have to get a handle on being the best version of me no matter what it takes. I will be great.

#justwaittilimgreat

-Married.. or whatever you call it

Feeling trapped, stuck, stagnant and any other non progressive adjectives…. (vent)

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Not because I haven’t wanted to but because time has been slipping through my finger tips. I feel like I’ve been chasing time and can never catch it. Always showing up too late and missing it. I’ve been existing. Having no control over time. It’s just  happening and I have to keep up. From my eyes open in the morning it’s a race to the finish line (the end of the day). I can’t live like this… 

Why have I no control? We all have our responsibilities. Mine entails two little toddlers a year apart and a job 5 days a week working 10 hour shifts daily. Not to mention a half hour commute no traffic. So that’s 11 hours minimum devoted to someone else’s goal after I wake up. I have about 40 minutes after work if as much, to unwind before picking up the kids. This time is usually spent trying to catch my breath and preparing dinner for my what seem to be starving children after day care. After picking them up it’s go mode. Feed them, give them undivided attention, bathe them and then it’s time for bed. This is usually the time I say as soon as they fall asleep I can do something for Me or really what I should be doing is cleaning the house. Problem is, I’m so tired by this time I end up falling asleep with them and waking up to an alarm clock to get ready for work…..

Single parent life! But … not really. I’m married.. (scratches head). Husband still lives with me, I mean he drops the kids off at day care in the morning … but it seems and feels like that’s the extent of his assistance. He works for himself… and when I ask for some help and tell him I’m tired he says, when you work for yourself you can choose your own hours. Disclaimer: I AM a Christian. But what the …..?!? See my biggest issue has not only been my struggle with time, but my struggle being single while married. What’s your purpose if you cannot help me? And it feels like I am doing it on my own?

Weekends are my days off, but when I wake up early the kids wake up and while my husband remains in his slumber I take care of them. No problem. They are my kids, well ours, and I have a duty to them. I’ll do what I need to do. But I wake up early to try and get a head start on the day, workout, clean but then I’m interrupted and have to go through an argument and plead a case to get my husband to wake up and help… if he pays me any mind. He then wakes up and all of a sudden has things to do outside the house and gets ready and leaves. Funny how before I asked for help it seemed he would have been in bed much longer. Anywho, he returns when he feels like, usually when he knows the kids are asleep (for bed time.. yes, not nap time, bed time). So from morning till night my time is their time and if my kids take a nap in the day I use that time to unwind or prepare lunch/dinner. I might be able to clean the kitchen …but that’s as far as my energy will take me.

I have dreams. Goals. Plans. They all seem feasible but so out of reach sometimes. My husband talks down to me because he is working towards his goals… yet as a result of it I have to remain stable because his goals don’t provide the way they should. Numbers don’t lie, people do though. 

I know that I have to take control. Just sometimes it feels like I am trapped. Like I am the clutch for someone else to get where they desire to go and they are never that clutch for me. My husband parties, goes out with friends and sabotages my plans when I tell him I’m going out with mine. Bills are in my name, house and mostly everything else. He says he will leave but… hasn’t gone yet. When I say I’m going to leave he says I’m not living in your house. Yet he says I don’t add any value to his life. Lol. BS.

Wait till I’m great.

-Married

Changes…during separation

So this season, has me like, ‘finding myself all over again’. It’s like I’m a new person, I have a new found identity, you know what I mean? After being with someone for almost 10 years; married for 5 of those ten years, and couple months before you celebrate your fifth anniversary…you’re separated, lol. 

There has been a lot happening during these months, from court case, to seeking opportunities to study overseas, to growing even more in God, to being free and open and did I say FREE! I mean, to be honest, it’s not what I wanted, ‘a failed marriage’, but it has resulted in happiness, peace of mind, and a realization of love (in the right way). My future WILL hold a partner who is supportive and who knows who he is. Most importantly, whose he is. 

Growing up in church, I’ve always heard the biblical references to being unequally yoked. Like many, we only think of this as courting an unsaved while being saved and vice versa. However, my experiences, as I have made mention of in previous blogs, have taught me, it’s more than that; it’s about two people having the same mind set, the same goals, the same desires to achieve individually as collectively, and the same godly principles (this is so important). It’s understanding that we will change as we grow together. I mean, who is going to be the same person after ten years? Growth is inevitable and required as we evolve. When I met my husband I was a backslider (not living for Christ as I should), after getting married, I reclaimed my faith in him. Thinking…well, KNOWING, this is the best thing that could have happened to me and us for that matter, my husband later told me if he knew I was going to become a christian, he would not have gotten married to me…Wait…..WHATTTT???? 

I have been vindicated; especially mentally, with all that’s been happening in this season, from me leaving my husband, to me moving back in with my mother, to me still having my job and church in another parish (city); trust me it gets tiring, but it’s way better than living with a man who is known to be a ‘husband’, but it feels as though he’s a roommate who you just can’t stand…you know?  the ones, you’re glad when they’re not home, and when they are…. it’s AWKWARD!!!😞

I’m legally still tied to this man, I’m just separated, will I be getting a divorce?…YES…When will I be starting the paper work?…real soon…Am I happier?… OH YESSS! Have I given up on love?…NO WAY…

‘Separated’