Marriage, Infidelity…

My husband and I met .. honestly I don’t remember what year… Surprisingly we met on social media.  I went on to delete an account my cousin had made for me, as I never used it, and noticed I had a message in my inbox. The message was so funny I had to respond, and I ended up postponing deleting my account. I responded with something just as witty and we started writing to each other frequently. We called, we met, and a year or year and a half later we got married. 

Anywho 7 years later… struggle city in our marriage. Before I get into it, I want to tell you a little bit about me. I have always been a pray-er. Even before I understood what being saved was I knew that God was there and was always looking out for me. We had an understanding where I knew He would always take care of me and never abandon me. I knew that He wanted what was best for me. I knew, that He had a mission for me. That I was unique, that I didn’t have to worry about what other people did or how other people looked, but that how He created me was more than good enough for what He had for me in this world. 

By age 18 I had prayed through every relationship I ever had (3 total, 1 throughout high school and 2 in college that probably lasted a few months, if as long). I was a virgin until marriage and before getting married, just as I prayed about my boyfriends, I prayed that if my husband to be was not the one for me, I don’t care how it happens, or how I feel, don’t let us get married and give me the strength to get over it if it doesn’t happen.

I can say with confidence that I believe I was in my right mind to get married. I knew through stories that marriage was difficult but as God assured me that He has and will always be with me, I was a confident 20 year old bride. 

After we got married we relocated to where he lived and having never left my parents house before marriage, living with someone else was an adjustment to say the least. I was alone a lot. My husband was the sole provider for a while, and I would notice that after school or work (he was still finishing up his degree. I had gotten mine right before we got married) he would stay to chill and hang out with his friends while I waited for him. The days would be lonely so I would look forward to the end of his shift to come home, but it would take him so long to get there. It was really disappointing to know that being around his friends was a priority when I was in a new area, and this was the first year of our marriage.

For months I felt led in the day time to read the Bible about marriage. Who a wife is, what a husband is, what love is. Submission and  unconditional love, were reoccurring themes I felt God wanted me to stock up on.

A few months before the year ended I decided to relocate to where I was from. There I had a vehicle, friends, family, and just a better grasp of my surroundings that I knew once I got back I could get the ball rolling on life, where at the time it felt like a standstill. So said so done. As soon as we relocated to my hometown, I got us a place, got a job and we were living comfortably. But, my husband was now on the other end of the stick. 

Doing everything I could to make sure he was comfortable and didn’t feel the way I felt when in his area, I look back now and think that that was where I went wrong. I gave too much. Too willing to sacrifice and realized that the more I did, the more he wanted. 

I never stopped. I kept trying to make him comfortable, despite his selfishness. I told myself that my husband’s selfishness was hard but at least he hasn’t cheated. Until then, I can work with him. 

…… He cheated. I got pregnant years later and found out I had an STD. ?!?!?!? The only man I’ve ever slept with.. ? Obviously It can’t be me! Still touches a corn when I talk about it but yea he slept with someone. I was devasted, hated him, didn’t want to be pregnant to begin with but was now like wow.. how embarrassing. He disgusted me. 

He apologized said he was sorry, the funny thing is… and it may sound foolish and crazy.. but getting over it was easy, probably even too easy. 

Now because of who I am I was praying during this time and I would complain to God and express my .. hatred, bitterness, anger, and it was like I was talking to a counselor. He allowed me to vent… for a day or two and then said, forgive Him. I assumed He didn’t realize it had only been a day or two so I continued to vent.

 After my vents He would say, remember when I told you to start eating better. Mind you this would throw me off because I’m like God this is important, you hungry or something? Then I would continue to vent. He said when you over eat, it’s a sin. When you tell me you are going to eat better and you don’t, you’re lying, it’s a sin. So at this point my eyes have been rolled allll the way back and I’m like what’s your point ..

He said He views all sin the same. A murderer, a liar, a glutton are all sinners. You sin. Yes you are married and he should not have done that but don’t when you sin I forgive you? Isn’t that the one thing you love about me? That no matter how many times you sin I welcome you with open arms to start over? Doesn’t it make you try harder to not disappoint me? Forgive him. 

I crieddddddddddddddddd. Out of stubbornness, shame, but also in awe of how amazing God is. I forgave him in my mind that instant and the rest was God teaching me how to now manifest forgiveness. I won’t lie I felt like a heavy weight was lifted just from telling myself to forgive. My husband continued to apologize and began to be a butt kisser for a while after. I would throw jabs here and there as the devil provoked me and was quickly told by God that I need to stop otherwise it is not forgiveness. 

I can honestly say that I truly forgave him. Even when I brought up what happened it was really because the devil made me do it….I knew it was a front and I even felt silly but I kind of liked that it made him remember he was a douche bag.

God never removed His hold on me during this process to forgive. It was a healing time that I will never forget and the healing happened more so.. well not more so… the healing happened fully as I spoke/vented/complained to God and my husband just kind of, was there too. God says that His yoke is light. He had always told me that things won’t always be perfect, but what may be hard to go through for some, won’t seem that way for me if I continue to look to and trust in Him. 

Now, my friend ‘separated’, the other blogger, her story is a bit different. Her story is eye opening to me as God can place us in similar situations and advise us differently. Sometimes I wonder if divorce is my future,  to be honest I don’t know what God has in store. But I would rather follow what He has directed me to do in my situation than allow myself to go on someone else’s journey in life, thwarting my own. With that said my marriage is far from perfect or even good for that matter,  but I have noticed that when I’m obedient enough to allow God to lead and direct me, I may feel foolish…but the burden no matter how heavy begins to feel like a feather.

Bruised but not killed.  

-Married

“““Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal, blessed quiet) FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.””

‭‭MATTHEW‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭AMP‬‬

http://bible.com/1588/mat.11.28-30.amp 

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