How ‘well’ can you know someone?…Before getting married

How long does it take to get to know someone? In my opinion, ‘knowing’ someone is pretty much relative. I mean for me, getting to know someone takes a lot of communication or contact time. The more one communicates with another, by nature different topics to talk about will come up, especially when there are similar interests. And given this current era with all the means of contact via social media; pssssshhhh what’s the excuse to not get to know someone.  On the other hand, Some might still take years to feel confident in them acknowledging that ‘I know him or her’. I mean, realistically, how long can a pretender last?, even when they’re pretending to be what you desire or hope they are; we’re humans, our flaws or faults tends to become evident at some point in time. Hmmm….or is it that we see them, but we try to make excuses that it’s not a big deal, or they’ll change or I can live with that. 

Look at it, you met someone who has good qualities, don’t we all? There were little things that annoyed you, bothered you, or whatever negative way it impacted you, but you’re saying I’ll let him or her know about it; you know express myself and we’ll work at it. The time comes you express yourself and your faults come up as well and you both promised to make a genuine effort in being better in those areas. As time progresses, changes are made, but how long do they last for? Weeks, months, to be honest sometimes even days. ‘The struggle is real’. I believe those qualities are so innate that, its so much apart of you, that you may just need deliverance. Okay okay! I’m saying all of this to say, my personal experience has showed and taught me that as much we desire for people to change and even when they do, and you realize it’s not consistent ‘red flag’. I’m currently separated from my husband, a man I met in 2007, moved in with a year later, got engaged 2009, ‘a year after’ and got married in 2012. WOW!!!!  What year are we in again? 2017!!! Almost 10 years of ‘knowing this man’. 

The years leading up to marriage were great. In my estimation, they were. Mind you, there were signs of trouble, or should I say ‘red flag’ but hey, oftentimes I strongly believe in the saying ‘love is blind’. While I knew deep down there were the signs, and family members and friends around me saw them as well. I hid them; “he’ll change, he has a good heart, he was brought up differently than I was, he’s broken, he wasn’t taught certain things, he loves me, he just doesn’t know how to be expressive, his controlling and manipulative ways were seen as protecting and guarding”. You’re probably saying; ‘EXCUSES’…Yes!, that’s exactly what those are. As females, overall whether we are wives or not, we tend to make excuses for men who are just downright in the wrong. They show us who they are and we didn’t believe them. “He will change, its nothing major, he apologizes, he makes it up with nice dinners, and gifts. I mean it’s not like he’s physically abusing me, when he says mean things to me, he’s just angry”. Those were my excuses, my thoughts, my mental defense. 

During all of this, please note, I was a believer, I mean I was brought up in church all my life, from choir, to Sunday school teacher, youth group leader; let’s just say I was an active member in church. As I got older, going to college, not around parents so much, church wasn’t so much priority anymore. I got consumed by the things of the world. Parties, sexual immorality, rebelliousness,  and the whole works. While growing up in church, I always heard persons testimonies; “there is nothing in the world, they can’t understand why is it people don’t serve God”…Well, having experienced it, there are things in the world, hence it was written in Mark 8:36 (NIV) “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul?”. You see, everything in the temporal can be referred to biblically. The enemy has what I call ‘Deadly Distractors’. He puts things there that are only temporary, it can’t and will not last. To get to his level and his Kingdom, he entices the mind, with everything that goes against the gospel of Jesus Christ. Remember he tried it with Jesus, he said, he will give him dominion over everything once he served him (Matt 4: 8). To me that’s a bribe, and here in the natural, a bribe is a never ending deal, it always finds a way to ‘bite you where it hurts’ if you know what I mean. You will always be indebted to someone. That’s not the life we were created for. However, with all of that, I wasn’t confident with my identity in God.I just didn’t ‘know’ God on a personal level as much. I mean I know I love him, I know he loves me but that personal connection, I didn’t have it. You see, believing and knowing God is two different things. The reality is, believing God is just acknowledging that there is a supreme being that governs and controls our very existence. Knowing him, is knowing who he is, personally; it’s knowing why you were created, who you are in him, and how he created you to live here on earth. When you know him, you have what is called a ‘relationship’, close contact and connection, you speak with him, he answers, you listen. It’s a perfect communication cycle. This relationship, the more time you spend together, the more he reveals more and more each day. The instability in thoughts I mentioned earlier would not have been so intense or would not have been at all. The more time spent in the presence of God; reading your bible, praying and fasting, just to be hungry for him, pretty much makes what seems hard to the one who doesn’t know him so much easier to the one who actually does. 

 I didn’t understand then, that, according to Proverbs 19:21 (NIV) “Many are the plans of a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”. I didn’t understand then, that while I’m with this young man, courting, planning a marriage, I wasn’t doing what was required of me spiritually. You see we get so caught up planning and taking care of all the other ‘ally’s’ and we forget the most important one of all…THE SPIRITUALLY part. My spiritual life was weak, I was operating in my own understanding. The scriptures tells us in Matthew 6:33 (NIV) “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well”. These things…what are these things?; the things we daily worry about, bills, relationships, jobs, finances, you name them. We are so busy worrying and trying to get all these things and he told us not to worry about these things; but to seek him above all else, before anything else and these will come. I believe in seeking him, these things come even easier than we think or expected…

Having said that, I bet we can now see why I’m here writing, and sharing my experiences. HA HA HA!… 


 “Proverbs 9: 10 – The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding (NIV)”


    3 thoughts on “How ‘well’ can you know someone?…Before getting married

    1. No matter how well you think you know someone, you never really know them . You can be with someone for years and think you know everything about them but you really don’t. Sometimes the true self is buried deep but eventually comes to the surface. How long does it take? Who knows? It is a hit or miss, the luck of the draw. Some people know each other for a short time and it works. You have made an important point though and it is about not involving God in the decision making. Sometimes he is showing the signs but we choose to ignore it because it is not what we want to hear or see. Love you and stay strong my friend


    2. How well can you know someone. It can take many many years as well as it can take months… Some lessons true colours are revealed very easily. I’m glad this eye opening and reflective thought process is increasing your purpose in God.

      Liked by 1 person

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