Having a hard time coping; after a breakup, separation or divorce?

Identity; it’s who you are, it’s KNOWING who you are, confident of your personality, your look, your style, your attitude,everything that makes you…’YOU’.

Often Times, we get so complacent in our relationships, whether marriage or platonic ones, that we depend on the other person to keep things going; to plan outings or dates, to pick the movie to see, to choose the vacation spot, and we are just there, being dependents. 

Never lose who you are even after especially a marriage, always keep things that are ideal about you. You love to shop and do some self-care every week, try and find time for that. Please note; that self-care is not just about spas and going to the hair salon, but spending quality time with your self, read books, go to the park, sleep, yes get some rest, pray, whatever it is that you enjoy. Don’t get lost in the shadow of your partner. 

As for me, I am coping quite well to be honest. How? I am now doing things that I’ve always wanted to do, such as; attend more church events, spend more time with my friends, as this occupies your mind and time, speak about what’s happening since the separation, this helps, don’t hide from it, or lock yourself away from the reality, face it! I’m now doing things that I couldn’t do while with him; I changed my diet, I’m more comfortable in wearing certain attire, I started wearing make-up even more than I usually do, I colored my hair, YES! Do things outside of the norm, things that when he sees you, he’ll not recognize it’s you. Things that you’ve never done while with him, especially even if you’ve been together for a while.  

I get to have more ‘ME’ time, without having to feel guilty about it. I am soooo super confident… In making decisions, speaking openly about what’s been happening in my marriage, and my relationship with the Lord…Whewwwww….I feel like ‘speaking in tongues’ . My relationship with the Lord has gotten so intense and intimate like I can’t get enough of him. He’s been my peace and comfort through it all, my child is healthy, is doing well in school, God’s just unfathomable I tell you. WHO COULD IT BE BUT YOU LORD? 

Maybe you’re afraid to leave because you’re wondering what will happen if and when you leave. Pray about it, if you’re at peace…Then do it! Be BOLD, BE OPEN, BE FREE, BE YOU! 

‘Separated’

 

Joshua 1:9 NIV 

 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

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Me, Myself and My Child

After being with an individual for such a long time; 10 years is a whole lot of years devoted to one human being. It’s somewhat hard trying to adjust to being you again. Do you know what I mean?

It’s like you know who you are, but then it was revolved around one person, that even sometimes being by yourself you really don’t know what you enjoy anymore. I’ve been separated for the past three months, and I mean it’s been awesome! Yeah, I said that…😊 It’s like I’m so free, my mind is at peace, I’m genuinely Happy. Not the type of happy I was, when I had to behave as though everything was alright. The happy where, I now sleep better, eat better, worship God better; I mean; I’m paying more attention to ‘ME’ instead of busy trying to make a marriage work, striving to please a husband that can never be pleased, as I am the only problem. Note: It doesn’t matter what you do, say, or change to please a man, or how hard you try to make your marriage work at all cost. You CANNOT  fix or change someone who sees no problem with themselves, and shuts down every and anything that comes their way to assist them….. (wow…Lil venting there).  I’m happy because of the peace I have found in my savior. Happiness to the point I go to church, and don’t have to worry about the type of atmosphere I will return to. 

I am free and Happy because my child has not been ill for the duration I’ve been separated. Happy because my spiritual life is growing. I’m getting a better understanding of who I am in God and who he created and designed me to be. That my GOD-GIVEN purpose will come to pass, once I remain at his feet and have His perfect will be done in my life. 

You may not understand, the sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, that when I wake up in the mornings my eyes are swollen. The fear of not wanting to go home because the environment is so cold and tense. When being Home alone is better than when he’s there.

My body was at a place where my mind was far from. My child was my source of motivation and drive. The Lord was my peace, reading my bible, constantly in prayer, even when made a mockery of, God was my peace and hence, my reason for happiness. I had….still have to trust God, because even when it seemed as though ‘all hell was breaking loose in my home’ My Church, THE WORD, and my faith in God kept me.

As it is now, Me (finding back who I am), Myself (walking and living in that new identity), My son (my gift, my earthly assignment, my heart outside my body)

Separated 

“Isaiah 26:3- You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you”


Self-Inspired or God-Desired?…How did I get here…’Happy, Married, Unhappy, Separated’? (Part 2)

I know it’s been awhile coming before part 2 was written.

Our relationship and trust issues were mending. We were getting better I must say. The only thing now, I finished my studies in 2011, and like many other university students, it was time to job hunt. Please note, we had set a date for April 2012 for the wedding. 

Now looking back, I am second guessing myself in terms of; is that the time my relationship should have ended? (The time of infidelity) Who knows? But I do believe, that season was definitely ‘self-inspired’. 

Anyways, in the process of job hunting, I don’t know if it was cold feet, anxiety, or whatever, but the reality was, there is a date set and we were working towards it. Here I am, finished my degree, planning a wedding, and I’m unemployed. So I decided, to be in the safe zone, let me make a ‘deal’ with God, can you imagine? Me making a ‘deal’ with God. Pssshhh. Who do I think I am? Okay, so the deal was… ‘God if I get a job, then I know it’s your will for me to go through with the wedding’. Personally I wanted a job to contribute to my own wedding, a sense of independence, if it was to at least purchase his wedding band. 

In the back of my mind, if I don’t get a job, then I guess there will be no wedding, at least, not the date planned. 

Well because the favor I know that’s on my life, I was successful in landing a job at the most opportuned time. I was ecstatic, like YES! God I see you!… So I started my job, the downside was, I wasn’t getting my accurate salary, as my graduation would have been later down in the year. So, because I completed my course, but have not received my qualifications, I was being paid a basic salary.

You know who went back to God with the ‘deal’ notion. 

Of course I had to go back, how will I buy the ring for him? This was me for the second time,’God if I could get my correct salary by the time designated for my wedding, then I know it would have been your will’. Once again, POW! He favored me! I started getting my accurate salary and got all my ‘back money’ in the early months of 2012. Isn’t God good? 

To get to the point; I did buy his ring and did many other things I didn’t even plan for. We got married in 2012. A beautiful wedding it was indeed. The day was great and all a Bride could ask for, apart from the little glitches all wedding preparations comes with.

How did I get here (separated) five years later? 

As I mentioned in part 1, God is intentional. He has our blueprint. He is either going to fix it or break it. Regardless, He’s still God. I learned a lot during that time, and find that I’m still learning in the season I’m in.

Sometimes we conveniently remember God when we need to make great decisions, however with the little decisions prior, was He consulted then? Now looking back, I realised I wasn’t so much depending on God to get married, but on material things to determine IF I should. The job and the income. Nonetheless, I conveniently put God in the equation because of who I know him to be; the problem solver, the supreme being. But….did I trust him, even though I asked?….If you’ve read previous blogs, you would have noticed, my faith in God cannot be compared to the faith I have now. 

“My earthly marriage is a warfare..but I know my heavenly marriage is growing and that’s what i seek after….a better relationship and deeper revelation of you. MAKE A WAY!” ~ WifesTales

‘Separated’

 “Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”

It’s Saturday… Thankful and Reflective…

It’s a beautiful day, just felt like sharing a ‘Thankful Post’ of How great my God is, inspite of who I am to him, he’s the constant in my life, he never changes who he is to me. You see, I’ve been learning to depend and trust him even more in these past few months. This season is one in which, I know what it is to be in constant dialogue with my creator. Here I am, a soon to be 28 year old, looking at divorce. Wow!!! To the society, this is the age, persons are getting married, and I’m here like….getting married at 22 years of age. I can say MY MARRIAGE GREW ME! I’m still growing, because of the season I am in. 

God has been faithful, even when I became faithless, HE IS THE CONSTANT IN MY LIFE! 

Encouragement: Things may not look as how you want them to just yet, but remember there is a sovereign one who sits high and looks low, and knows the desires of our hearts. My Pastor would always make reference to the scripture that speaks to the heart; in Proverbs 4:23, that we should guard our hearts, because everything we do flows from it. Ensure our thoughts and our motives are always in accordance with God’s will. Even when we don’t feel like it or see it, there is always something to be thankful for. 

Have a blessed and productive weekend. 

‘Separated’

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 (NIV)

Marriage, Infidelity…

My husband and I met .. honestly I don’t remember what year… Surprisingly we met on social media.  I went on to delete an account my cousin had made for me, as I never used it, and noticed I had a message in my inbox. The message was so funny I had to respond, and I ended up postponing deleting my account. I responded with something just as witty and we started writing to each other frequently. We called, we met, and a year or year and a half later we got married. 

Anywho 7 years later… struggle city in our marriage. Before I get into it, I want to tell you a little bit about me. I have always been a pray-er. Even before I understood what being saved was I knew that God was there and was always looking out for me. We had an understanding where I knew He would always take care of me and never abandon me. I knew that He wanted what was best for me. I knew, that He had a mission for me. That I was unique, that I didn’t have to worry about what other people did or how other people looked, but that how He created me was more than good enough for what He had for me in this world. 

By age 18 I had prayed through every relationship I ever had (3 total, 1 throughout high school and 2 in college that probably lasted a few months, if as long). I was a virgin until marriage and before getting married, just as I prayed about my boyfriends, I prayed that if my husband to be was not the one for me, I don’t care how it happens, or how I feel, don’t let us get married and give me the strength to get over it if it doesn’t happen.

I can say with confidence that I believe I was in my right mind to get married. I knew through stories that marriage was difficult but as God assured me that He has and will always be with me, I was a confident 20 year old bride. 

After we got married we relocated to where he lived and having never left my parents house before marriage, living with someone else was an adjustment to say the least. I was alone a lot. My husband was the sole provider for a while, and I would notice that after school or work (he was still finishing up his degree. I had gotten mine right before we got married) he would stay to chill and hang out with his friends while I waited for him. The days would be lonely so I would look forward to the end of his shift to come home, but it would take him so long to get there. It was really disappointing to know that being around his friends was a priority when I was in a new area, and this was the first year of our marriage.

For months I felt led in the day time to read the Bible about marriage. Who a wife is, what a husband is, what love is. Submission and  unconditional love, were reoccurring themes I felt God wanted me to stock up on.

A few months before the year ended I decided to relocate to where I was from. There I had a vehicle, friends, family, and just a better grasp of my surroundings that I knew once I got back I could get the ball rolling on life, where at the time it felt like a standstill. So said so done. As soon as we relocated to my hometown, I got us a place, got a job and we were living comfortably. But, my husband was now on the other end of the stick. 

Doing everything I could to make sure he was comfortable and didn’t feel the way I felt when in his area, I look back now and think that that was where I went wrong. I gave too much. Too willing to sacrifice and realized that the more I did, the more he wanted. 

I never stopped. I kept trying to make him comfortable, despite his selfishness. I told myself that my husband’s selfishness was hard but at least he hasn’t cheated. Until then, I can work with him. 

…… He cheated. I got pregnant years later and found out I had an STD. ?!?!?!? The only man I’ve ever slept with.. ? Obviously It can’t be me! Still touches a corn when I talk about it but yea he slept with someone. I was devasted, hated him, didn’t want to be pregnant to begin with but was now like wow.. how embarrassing. He disgusted me. 

He apologized said he was sorry, the funny thing is… and it may sound foolish and crazy.. but getting over it was easy, probably even too easy. 

Now because of who I am I was praying during this time and I would complain to God and express my .. hatred, bitterness, anger, and it was like I was talking to a counselor. He allowed me to vent… for a day or two and then said, forgive Him. I assumed He didn’t realize it had only been a day or two so I continued to vent.

 After my vents He would say, remember when I told you to start eating better. Mind you this would throw me off because I’m like God this is important, you hungry or something? Then I would continue to vent. He said when you over eat, it’s a sin. When you tell me you are going to eat better and you don’t, you’re lying, it’s a sin. So at this point my eyes have been rolled allll the way back and I’m like what’s your point ..

He said He views all sin the same. A murderer, a liar, a glutton are all sinners. You sin. Yes you are married and he should not have done that but don’t when you sin I forgive you? Isn’t that the one thing you love about me? That no matter how many times you sin I welcome you with open arms to start over? Doesn’t it make you try harder to not disappoint me? Forgive him. 

I crieddddddddddddddddd. Out of stubbornness, shame, but also in awe of how amazing God is. I forgave him in my mind that instant and the rest was God teaching me how to now manifest forgiveness. I won’t lie I felt like a heavy weight was lifted just from telling myself to forgive. My husband continued to apologize and began to be a butt kisser for a while after. I would throw jabs here and there as the devil provoked me and was quickly told by God that I need to stop otherwise it is not forgiveness. 

I can honestly say that I truly forgave him. Even when I brought up what happened it was really because the devil made me do it….I knew it was a front and I even felt silly but I kind of liked that it made him remember he was a douche bag.

God never removed His hold on me during this process to forgive. It was a healing time that I will never forget and the healing happened more so.. well not more so… the healing happened fully as I spoke/vented/complained to God and my husband just kind of, was there too. God says that His yoke is light. He had always told me that things won’t always be perfect, but what may be hard to go through for some, won’t seem that way for me if I continue to look to and trust in Him. 

Now, my friend ‘separated’, the other blogger, her story is a bit different. Her story is eye opening to me as God can place us in similar situations and advise us differently. Sometimes I wonder if divorce is my future,  to be honest I don’t know what God has in store. But I would rather follow what He has directed me to do in my situation than allow myself to go on someone else’s journey in life, thwarting my own. With that said my marriage is far from perfect or even good for that matter,  but I have noticed that when I’m obedient enough to allow God to lead and direct me, I may feel foolish…but the burden no matter how heavy begins to feel like a feather.

Bruised but not killed.  

-Married

“““Come to Me, all who are weary and heavily burdened [by religious rituals that provide no peace], and I will give you rest [refreshing your souls with salvation]. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me [following Me as My disciple], for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST (renewal, blessed quiet) FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy [to bear] and My burden is light.””

‭‭MATTHEW‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭AMP‬‬

http://bible.com/1588/mat.11.28-30.amp 

Self-Inspired or God-Desired?…How did I get here…’Happy, Married, Unhappy, Separated’? (Part 1)

Marriage is a beautiful thing. Of course it is, it was designed by God. It’s one of the greatest institutions to be apart of when entered in for the right reasons. ‘LOVE’ nothing else. 

Being proposed to, was the most exciting, happy, joyful, fulfilling moments of my life. Yes, ‘THE PROPOSAL’. I mean which girl hopes to be dating a guy for a period of time and he doesn’t ask the question? If you’re keeping up with the blogs, my husband proposed to me in 2009, two years into courting. I got married in 2012; yes, awhile after, for more reasons than one, well; just two;

  1. I was still in University, I aspired to finish my degree before getting married.
  2. Infidelity issues that came a year after the engagement.

This was the first rough patch in our relationship, and the most fearful thing happened; ‘cheating’ happened. This gave our relationship a hard blow, I mean, this was all transparent when we were reunited, that something was very much off. It felt different; could it be because we were apart for so long? or could it be the guilt of the ‘cheater’. Whatever it was, everything was revealed on a ‘cell phone’. Let me say right here, it’s inappropriate, to search your partners phone. Yea…However, that day was so innocent, just answering a call, and after the call ended, the ‘messenger’ screen was already opened. What would you do? Male or Female, opportunity time; didn’t have to sneak or go out of your way, it just ‘Popped up’… EVIDENCE was clear. 

This took a toll on the relationship. To the point it was on ‘break-up status’. Here I am engaged to be married, and there trust issues. WOW! Everything changed. Yes, in my estimation it never got back to what was. Was there forgiveness? Yes…at least I think so, there must have been forgiveness as there is a marriage. What is forgiveness? According to a definition that I found on Google, it states “to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong), to stop blaming (someone)”. 

Okay, so I’m going to be as transparent as possible. I know I forgave him in my heart, I do, but it damaged a part of me that had me feeling so different around him. We were good, after awhile, we were happy, a lot more growth took place between then and our wedding day. How I felt, the degree to what had happened, I believe I was in my right to leave. What made me stay?… Here I am, A Pastors’ daughter, cohabiting with a man I’m not married to, EVERYONE knows him, family, friends, EVERYONE!! The proposal was, let’s just say PUBLIC, why leave? “Just work at it, at least we have sometime to fix and work on some things”. To myself, I’m still thinking, “I’ll be graduating a year later, a lot can happen within a year”.

Better days came, but let me say, I honestly believe that there could have been greater days. The ‘situation’ wasn’t handled well. It was more of, “ok that was an overseas situation, it doesn’t affect ‘home’ we don’t need no counselling sessions…yeah…right!”. We can do this on our own; that’s what he lead me to think, “no one can tell me about my relationship or about you, I know you best” what he would usually say, whenever counselling was brought up… ‘RED FLAG’. It simply then means, we should not have any external input (wisdom, experienced individuals, spiritual leaders) in our relationship, surprisingly we had few sessions before marriage; maybe cause it’s customary. It was agreed to….I don’t know, I’m just saying.  

There are certain things you should look out for with your partner. Simple things, big things, don’t ignore them. I’ve always seen this comment around social media ‘when a person shows you who they are, believe them’ I can honestly say, that’s a powerful statement right there. Sometimes we have a mental picture, what our relationships; marriages, should be, that we miss the reality of what’s really happening. I was blamed, for staying, for the few persons who knew, on top of ‘the behaviors I blinded myself to’ mentioned in previous blogs. This is a perfect, and even greater reason to leave; that’s what ‘they’ were saying. Remember what they perceived or knew was different from what I saw in him. I love him, He makes me happy… Blah Blah Blah! The excuses… 

All I’m saying we sometimes find ourselves in some situations, that could have been prevented, if we were under the direction of God’s guidance. Although, I also do believe that, God’s intentional, he knows all things; he knows what’s going to happen with our lives before they even manifest. I believe also, that EVERYTHING we go through, good or bad, it was/is necessary. 

~ learning takes place best through our good or bad experiences. ~ WifesTales

Separated’

 James 1:5 -“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault”(NIV)


The Invisible U in Marriage

I know it’s hard to see but it’s definitely there, you’re just not looking hard enough. The U is also pronounced silently. So often it’s overlooked and left out, but such a noticeable difference it makes when U is not there.

The U is what brought you together. Your individuality, the way you take care of yourself and the things you aspired to accomplish. It’s the mission you were on to achieve the greatest version of yourself that suddenly becomes hidden as marriage pushes ‘U’ out. Somehow all the other letters are put before you and there’s not enough room for you.  U, basically becomes invisbile, but it definitely still exists.

I am protesting that the U comes back to the forefront. It’s not fair that all the other letters can be so easily seen, and the U left behind. The U adds character, value, and a uniqueness that can only be created by U.

How important it is that we don’t forget the U. The U that makes you self confident, adventurous, and determined to accomplish anything you set your mind to. This U that when lost, changes everything.

You move differently, think differently, and at the same time feel trapped in a body that was created to do great things but nothing great seems to be manifesting.

The moment you forget that marriage has a U is the moment your identity is questioned. It’s the moment things get out of order and seem to spiral out of control.

Yes, marriage joins us together. The Bible tells us that we shall become one flesh.  However, one flesh, two people? The math is off.

Why? Maybe instead of merging to become one, we are to combine to make a greater one. What’s the difference? When there’s a merge one party is usually overruled. See when you merge, someone is surpressed. Someone is getting the shorter end of the stick. But when you combine, you’re both getting to add your flare to the marriage. One flesh becomes so much more powerful because it’s a combination of the greatness of two.

Sounds like perfection. Fairy tale even. But, is it that hard to achieve? …You were doing it before you got married…

I am in the process of making U visible again. My vision has been blurred to the point where I know the U is there but I can’t see it. The frustration of not being the person I know I was meant to be while with my husband is a strain on our marriage. We argue, we get disappointed, our expectations are not met and it’s unhealthy. Should things be better if there’s two? I mean when we added up our strengths and weaknesses before marriage we should be: rich, healthy, fit, successful… so it just made sense to be on the other side of the relationship equation and get married.

Yet, here we are. Struggling to allow the concept of one flesh to make us better. Not fully utilizing our U and blaming the other one for it.

Never lose sight of U. Pursue U. Without apologies, but with humility and perseverance, and in the direction of who and what you feel you were created to be.

God, help me to be the ‘U’, You created me to be, in the marriage You positioned me in.

and… and if there’s time left..help me to understand how 1+1 still equals 1 .. You know I’m slow.

-Married

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh”  Genesis 2:24